WoW: Plus
by Shinda Shikai
Summary: All scenes relevant and irrelevant to the plotline of my fic Writing on the Wall. Mostly stupid, some serious and lots of ridiculousness.
1. Introduction

Yo my beautiful readers.

So this fic is where I'll be storing my extras, omakes, outtakes, deleted scenes and parodies for my fic Writing on the Wall

What is the difference between these things in terms of my story, you ask?

* * *

 **Omakes:** Scenes that don't contribute to the plot but happened none-the-less (usually funny).

 **Outtakes** : These are 'could have happened scenes'

 **Deleted scenes** : These are scenes that were going to happen, until I changed my mind.

 **Parodies:** Parodies of scenes i.e creating chaos

(More categories may be added)

* * *

The way this works: The title of each chapter will involve which type it is and what chapter it is related to. Please browse at your own leisure X'D They won't necessarily be in order.

Feel free to contribute your own omake, parody or outtake (email it to me via shindashikai at gmail. com (without spaces), or send me ideas if you have some! Please include your preferred pen name or your fanfic account name so I can credit you!

*Pls note I will possibly edit your entry, if you want to check it before I post it please tell me so in your email~


	2. Ch4 Parody

**What if…**

 _By: Shinda-Shikai_

 _Edited by: Dragondancer81_

-Back when Danzo was putting the seal on Sasayaki's tongue-

"Closer, 737-A."

Oh, how I hate him.

I forced back a grimace as I took another step closer, easily within arm's reach of the slimy bastard.

Was he going to hit me? Was I getting punished for something? Was it because he was scared of my influence in this world already?

"Look up and open your mouth."

I glared at him.

No. I would not be ordered around like this. All that training had made me strong, stronger than ever, and I would not let him push me around any further.

"No," I snarled.

Danzo, for a single moment, looked shocked. Obviously this wasn't the answer he had been expecting. But then his face once more turned cold and hard like his heart. For he was a being of pure evil; evil villains had no ulterior motive other than to destroy, destroy, destroy!

"I do not tolerate disobedience. I will give you one last chance, 737-A. Come closer."

I was strong. The torturous training I had been through ensured that.

I shot forwards so fast, Danzo didn't even have time to react. I landed a punch on his face, and his head snapped back. Then I hit him again, and again. He was no match for my legendary skills.

"Secret kekkei-genkai!" I screamed. "Reveal yourself!"

Suddenly memories flowed into my head, I could feel my mind expand- drawing in explanations. Showing me everything I needed to know about my kekkei genkei in order for the kekkei genkei's sudden appearance to make sense. My ultimate weapon, the sharingan I had been training in secret with activated. It wasn't a natural Sharingan, of course. I'd had to steal it from Itachi, and since he was only the strongest character in the world it had been easy to beat him. Then all I'd needed to do was kill one of the kids I'd forced myself to befriend in Root in order to activate Mangekyou.

"Amaterasu!" I screamed, sending the Dumbledore of Naruto down in a writhing ball of black flames.

He didn't get any screen time fighting, of course, because that would have made me look weaker. No, I'd practically one-shot him.

And now, I would take over Root and save the world! I would use my awesome therapy-no-jutsu to give all the Root members their personalities back, and we would form a loyal band that would save everyone because I was the leader! After this I would marry Naruto- I was a much better choice than Hinata anyway. We would rule the world and together we would have 33 babies.

"Mary-sue no jutsu complete."

"Wait! But Sasayaki- I am your father!"


	3. Ch8 Omake

**The Demonic Duo**

 _Pt. 1: The First_

 _By: Shinda-Shikai + Dragondancer81_

"You want to prank the _hokage?_ " I demanded incredulously. "But he's like, your Grandpa!"

"Exactly!" Naruto answered excitedly. "It means, if he finds us out, we won't be killed!"

I face-palmed. _What is with this kid?_

"He'll be the _most likely person_ in this _whole village_ to find us out!" I pointed out, though Naruto just shrugged confidently.

It was midday, it was lunchtime. We'd gone into the academy for morning lessons because Iruka had managed to entice us with promises that we'd be learning a 'really cool jutsu', which actually happened to be learning to stick a leaf to our foreheads. A _leaf. A leaf in the leaf village, gee so original Iruka. Such a 'fun' jutsu- ps I can see your propaganda! It's a conspiracy! A conspiracy I tell you!_

Psht. Can't trust teachers. _'Cool' my ass, and I'm pretty sure it didn't even count as a jutsu._

Although Kiyoshi and Junko had really pushed for me and Naruto to go in this morning too, since they'd found out we'd been skipping.

"You will go in today, you will learn and you will come back and teach us what you learnt!" Junko had ordered harshly. Hence, here we were like the obedient Gang members we were. Even Naruto had been cowed.

And that was that. There was no disobeying the leader, after all.

But still, we had an hour lunch break, which if executed well we'd have the prank finished by the end.

"Alright, let's do this."

-Twenty minutes later-

We'd had to dash to Naruto's orphanage and slip in to grab our gear. I had been storing my Kuro Neko mask and wig here, which I was eternally grateful for otherwise Kiyoshi may have found it if I'd left it at his.

I'd pulled on my black and white cat pranking mask and wig, while Naruto did the same with his fox mask and orange wig. We'd thrown simple black cloaks over our clothes to cover them, hoods further enhancing our disguises.

"Ok, so this is going to be a simple prank. All we want is paint. Red should do."

And then we'd found ourselves hidden behind the hokage's tower, waiting for the patrolling chunin to pass.

"See, there's this air ventilation thing that we can get into…" Naruto whispered.

How did he know this? Don't ask me. I had discovered that sometimes it is better not to ask.

I crawled after him as he ducked behind a bush that was, indeed, hiding a ventilation shaft. Naruto delicately pulled the metal thing off the wall of the tower, behind which hid the shaft, then gestured for me to follow as he went in.

It was musty and dark in the shaft- it smelt strange too. _Wonder what that smell is?_

 _ **Scratch. Scratch.**_

"Did you hear something Kitsune?"  
"Huh what… Who's Kitsune?" _Wow- such an intelligent answer. I'm so glad that our pranking career is depending on this guy.  
If I were Sasuke my answer would be: Kitsune is you you dobe! Pay attention- Blah blah blah I need to kill someone, blah blah blah I'm angsty and whiny. But lucky for Naruto, I am not Sasuke._

"You're Kitsune remember? It's your codename. We don't want people to know our actual names because if they did then they'd come after us."

"Oh yeah that makes sense."

 _I must resist the urge to face-palm… I must resist the urge to face-palm… I must… resist._

"Who's going to come after you kiddies?"

"Aiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

"Kitsune run! I swear it just touched my leg!" _Ewww… Oh kami! What the hell is this thing? Why is it following us? Is it some enemy ninja?_

Two powerful hands clamped down on the mouths of Naruto and I as twin snakes curled around our waists. Immobilizing us and leaving us to the mercy of whatever hellish creature had been stalking two children through the vents.

 _Ohmygod!Snakes!Orochimaru!HEFOUNDOUT!Helpwe'regoingtodieandthereisnothingwecandosomeonesaveme-_

"Pipe down will ya kiddies? I don't want Ibiki to find me… not after that stunt I pulled this morning."

 _Excuse me?_

It wasn't Orochimaru, it was...

There was no doubt as to who this was. I didn't know whether to cry with happiness or annoyance.

I struggled with the hand clamped over my mouth, my voice annoyingly muffled.

 _I think I'll go with annoyed…_

After a few moments, Anko seemed to realise why there was no reply.

"Right, sorry kids, just don't go around screaming," and she finally removed the hands from our mouths.

I turned and sneered at the purple-haired woman behind us, tugging at the snakes binding my waist. They let up and slithered back into the sleeves of her beige trench coat.

 _What's she doing up here?_

"Who are you and what are you doing up here?" Naruto demanded, similarly miffed at being cuffed and gagged.

Anko shrugged.

"I dropped a stink bomb in here this morning. Made all the rooms in this place smell like shit- er, poop. So I got assigned to clean this thing out as punishment. And who are you two brats? You can't just go crawling around the hokage's tower, anyone else would have slaughtered you," She drawled.

"I'm Neko, that's Kitsune," I told her, "and we're here to pull a prank too so don't get in our way."

"Really?" Anko said, eyes drifting to the paint Naruto was holding. "I never would have guessed. Sorry though, I should stop you and take you in for questioning. You could be spies, after all."

Naruto and I tensed simultaneously.

So much for the reign of Kitsune and Neko. Our prankster duo would be over before it could even start.

"We're not spies…" Naruto said weakly.

Anko grinned evilly. "Sorry kiddies, that just isn't gonna fly."

 _Crappiness._

I exchanged a glance with Naruto, something passing between us so fast I was moving before I really knew what I was doing. All I knew was that if we didn't get out of this situation, it would be _bad._

I slammed my hand down on the panel of the ventilation shaft that Anko currently occupied, while Naruto opened the paint tin and threw the contents at Anko.

Anko let out a yell as the shaft panel beneath her gave away and she dropped into the unsuspecting room below, a litre of paint following her descent.

"…she seriously needs more punishment than just cleaning the vents-"

The voice from the room below was cut off as a young woman dropped from nowhere and landed on the tall, scarred man to whom the voice belonged, causing him to slam in to the desk before which he was standing.

The desk slid a good metre at the impact, causing the man sitting behind it to be rudely shoved over, chair notwithstanding.

Red paint rained from the heavens, splattering both the desk, paperwork on said desk, and the three figures.

There was a groan from the old man, who pulled his red hat over his face.

Naruto and I peeked timidly into the room, horror dawning.

Then we were crawling as fast as possible through the vents, as silently as possible.

"ANKO!" Ibiki roared.

Thus began the reign of the Demonic Duo.


	4. Ch11 Parody

**What if…**

 _By: Shinda-Shikai_

Back at the Dnazo scene of Ch 11...

 _I can do this. I am a machine. Expressionless, emotionless, faceless. I don't even need my face, they are for people with emotions. Faces are overrated._

With that admittedly depressing thought in mind, I stepped into the room.

Like I said, Kabuto was there already. What I didn't expect, however, was him to be crouched at Danzo's feet. No, that wasn't quite right; that was expected. What wasn't expected was the way Danzo was leaning back in his chair, his legs propped up on a footrest, wearing a pristine white bathrobe.

In his hand, he held a nail filer, and his eyes flicked up from his fingernails to meet mine as I entered.

Silence. My face was ashen. Completely ashen.

"Danzo-sama, is my expertise in foot massages to your liking?" Kabuto asked dutifully, looking up at Danzo with a completely serious expression behind his mask.

Danzo delicately put down his nail file and picked up two slices of cucumber from his desk and placing them over his eyes. He lay back and folded his hands over his stomach.

 _I… am a machine. I am a ma-_

"A little lower, Ushi. I did not train you to be incompetent."

" _HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-"_

Chokes on own spit and promptly dies, feeling complete.


	5. Ch14 Omake

_By: Shinda-Shikai_

"Listen up pups, for I have a very important jutsu to teach you," Pakkun declared. Naruto, Sasuke and I gathered around him with wide eyes.

"A jutsu?" Sasuke breathed, visibly excited. Naruto jumped up and down while I just grinned.

Pakkun nodded sagely. "Indeed. It is called the puppy-dog eye no jutsu."

There was silence.

"It goes like this," Pakkun continued, as if he hadn't noticed our combined incredulousness.

He closed his eyes briefly, and then he reopened them.

They were as wide as saucers, and I felt as if I was about to melt into a puddle of goo from cuteness overload. Then he tilted his head ever-so-slightly, and the tiniest whimper escaped his maw.

"I'M SORRY PAKKUN!" Naruto caved first, throwing himself at the dog. "I have failed you! Please forgive me!"

Pakkun swiped a claw across his face before he could crush him, face reverting to normal and cuteness dissipating. Naruto dropped to the ground rolling and holding the tiny cut.

"Woah…" Sasuke breathed, eyes wide. I could only nod in agreement.

"Now, listen closely. The key to the technique is the angle of the head tilt, and the wideness of the eyes. You must pin-point what your target prefers and adapt to it. Some people are put off by whining noises, some prefer eyes to be less wide, some people like to see other things like fiddling, tears and…"

Needless to say, even after Pakkun left we spent hours perfecting that technique.

"No one will be able to stand in our way with this technique!" Naruto declared.

I smirked.

 _Yes. No one._


	6. Ch15 Omake

**OMAKE**

 **Cooking Lessons**

 _Pt. 1: No more ramen!_

 _By: Dragondancer81_

 _Edited by: Shinda-Shikai_

Sasayaki sighed as she rummaged through their kitchen, again. For the third time in what had been a very long and tiresome hour. Naruto had done the shopping, and Sasayaki was definitely beginning to regret it.

 _Honestly? What is wrong with this idiot?_

It was a nightmare, an inconceivable horror.

 _I mean I know that in the anime it was all they ever showed him eating, but I thought the Hokage would have at least made sure he balanced his diet with something nutritious._

Sasayaki ran a tired hand over her face as she finally gave up searching for something not related to ramen, and instead resigned herself to the fact that yes, since she was clearly the only one in his life that was concerned with his eating habits, was going to have to teach NARUTO to cook.

In theory it didn't sound that hard, just find some basic ingredients for a simple dish and then show the blond-haired Uzumaki how to prepare it. But this was THE Naruto, Konaha's number one hyperactive knuckleheaded ninja.

 _He's going to argue that he doesn't need anything other than ramen. I know he is. Especially after how he reacted to my lovingly home-cooked meal the other day._

Sasayaki groaned again, loud enough to cause Naruto to look up from his- _oh for the love of Leaf is that ramen? -_ snack.

"Sasa-neechan… Are you ok? Are you missing some ingredients or something?" he asked innocently, and oh lord could it be-

 _He deliberately did this so I can't cook anything except ramen, which is probably impossible to screw up!_

"I'm fine, I'm just finished admiring your, uh, shopping. What a _lovely_ selection ofinstant ramen you bought."

As expected, Naruto brightened considerably at the mention of (in his opinion) the all-time greatest food on earth.

"Yeah, I know. Isn't it great Sasa-chan? There's miso ramen, chicken-flavoured ramen, and ooh there's even naruto ramen! I'm not named after that, even though Sasuke says I am!" he nodded sagely at this with only a hint of a smirk.

"So… all this ramen is wonderful and all Naru but have you ever considered… you know, alternate foods?"

Sasayaki knew she'd crossed the line when as soon as Naruto comprehended the sentence he stood up frightfully fast, causing his chair to fall back. He had a comical 'jaw-drop' expression on his face.

"Other foods Sasa-neechan? You mean… foods that aren't ramen?" This question is followed by the most adorable little head-tilt Sasayaki has ever seen. Damn him applying Pakkun's teachings.

"Yes, Naruto, that is generally what 'other foods' refers to…" Sasayaki replied flatly, resisting the urge to face-palm.

 _Oh kami, why does he look like I just kicked his puppy? Wait is he…_

 _He's pouting,_ Sasayaki deadpanned. _He's pouting because I suggested that he eat something other than ramen? Even though he's already tried my amazing cooking?_

In that moment, Sasuke decided to appear and save her from a betrayed Naruto.

"Sasuke! How nice of you to join us! Stop loitering at the door and come on in. Naruto was just telling me about the wonders of ramen."

"…Tomatoes are better."

 _That… That was not a smart thing to say Sasuke._

Needless to say, the ensuing argument was as loud as it was hilarious. Well hilarious for Sasayaki anyway, Naruto and Sasuke were engaged in a heated war of words, both defending their love of a certain food, both oblivious to their friend's exasperation.

 _I wonder what_ Sasuke's _kitchen is like?_

She'd have to go take a look at that later. If she was going to instruct Naruto, she may as well teach Sasuke too.

Maybe they could both push each other in cooking as well?

Sasayaki grinned, the idea of those too fighting over being the best cook would certainly be something interesting. Who says they couldn't be master chefs, if they can push each other as much in this as they did in the anime, training?

Laughing quietly to herself at her genius plan, Sasayaki reserved to try and teach Naruto and Sasuke cooking another day. For now, she would make them all ramen!

 **-20 minutes later-**

Sasayaki did the impossible.

"SASA-CHAN HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY HAVE SCREWED UP RAAAMMMMENNN!"


	7. Ch16 Omake

**OMAKE**

 **Peer Pressure**

 _Sasuke becomes a demon._

 _By: Shinda-Shikai_

"Look, all you have to do is put that genjutsu Shisui taught you on Iruka!" Naruto whispered, rolling his eyes.

Sasuke glared. "No, I will not destroy my reputation to satiate your idiocy."

"If you do, I'll give you three tomatoes," Sasayaki offered from his other side, blinking at him imploringly.

This made Sasuke pause.

"Yea, yea, I'll give you a tomato tree so you can have tomatoes whenever, dattebayo!" Naruto added gleefully, seeing that they might _just_ be managing to convince him.

"Tomatoes grow on vines you idiot," Sasuke hissed in disgust at his uneducated ways, but Naruto just grinned and shrugged.

Sasuke thought for a moment.

"Ok, but only if you get me a Lemon Boy _and_ Black Prince heirloom tomato vines," Sasuke relented finally.

Naruto and Sasayaki exchanged glances.

"That's a pricey offer," Sasayaki said seriously. "But we're willing to pay it."

And so, without further ado, Sasuke began weaving the handsigns of a genjutsu Shisui had taught him. When Iruka next turned back to the class, his eyes went wide and his jaw dropped.

"Detention! All of you! Pull your pants up!" he screeched before running from the room and slamming the door shut.

The class stared in confusion and began whispering.

"Did you include the part where the class all have Uchiha symbols painted on their butts when they moon him?" Naruto asked, giggling.

Sasuke sighed in defeat.

"Yes."


	8. Ch17 Deleted Scene

**OMAKE**

 **What was going to happen.**

 _Pt. 1: Ch. 17_

 _By: Shinda-Shikai_

 _I need to tell someone._

I realised that now. What could I possibly do by myself? But the question was, _who_ to tell?

 _And who would believe me?_

 _Danzo would,_ a quiet, eerie voice at the back of my head whispered.

 _Danzo?_

That… was true. Of course he would believe me, he was the one planning the massacre after all. But how did that help me?

 _Blackmail…_

I was distracted by the thought, causing me to hesitate for just a moment before I snipped a woman's purse.

She noticed me and screamed, clinging to her husband and pointing at me angrily.

I backed into the shadows before the man could come after me.

Takeshi looked at me with a raised brow as we reconvened, him with two loaves of bread and me with nothing.

"What's up with you today? You seem distracted. Naruto, too."

"It's nothing," I mumbled, waving him off. "Hey, I gotta do something, I'll meet up with you guys later ok?"

Takeshi nodded, causing his blue hair to flick about messily. He opened his mouth, as if to say something, but by then I was gone.

To tell an effective lie, one must know their story, or so they say. In truth, it's slightly more complicated than that. There will always be the tiniest of tells that perhaps only the master of lie detection would notice. Someone like Danzo.

It's why he trains his puppets to be emotionless. Someone with no emotions has no tells.

 _Then it's lucky I have no lies to tell._

I couldn't fool myself anymore. And as I stood under his intense gaze, I opened my mouth.

"I know about the massacre."


	9. Ch19 Outtake

**TOBITO...?**

 _By: ArturoLJ50_

 _(Go check this wonderful writer out!)_

* * *

After a long, tiresome, yet somewhat productive meeting (at least on his part), Kakashi decides to go into his temporary quarters, and sit down on this… excuse, of a makeshift bed to meditate about his findings.

But, before that, he rigorously contemplates the action of renting his own room in a faraway hotel at every opportunity possible. On one hand, he may miss out on vital information that he may need to send back to the village, which is a subject of life or death. On the other hand, he may _actually_ get some sleep on _a proper bed_ and, y'know, survive a night without getting promptly stabbed by a random stalagmite while trying, and failing, to get comfortable on the most chaotic cave interior he has ever witnessed.

Kakuzu had absolutely no qualms in using said chaotic cave as living quarters if it meant not spending a single dime.

Ugh.

He promptly discards that line of thought given that, as much as he wishes the comfort of precious, precious sleep, he doesn't really have a choice in the matter due to the need to complete his assigned mission at all costs. Ah, the things he does for love – or, more aptly, the survival of the Icha Icha series.

Anyway, the subject of this matter: Tobi.

According to Zetsu, Tobi would become his temporary partner while Orochimaru handled some business on the land of grass – which most likely involves experimentation on plants, animals, and children.

The thing is – Tobi is an enigma. Whenever he wouldn't speak in that creepy passive aggressive tone of his during the meeting, he'd stare forcefully at Kakashi, as if he'd spontaneously combust in any given moment.

His most defining trait though, is that _blinding_ orange mask. The swirling pattern is already odd enough, and more so because it only has an opening, on where his right eye is.

Speaking of that eye, Kakashi almost got a full glance of it, but he only got a flash of red in return. Which already speaks volumes by itself – Does Tobi possess a Dōjutsu? If so, which one is it? It could be such as the Ketsuryūgan; which is incredibly unlikely, given Tobi's pitch black hair and Sasori mentioning the recent extinction of the Chinoike Clan; or, much more worryingly – the Sharingan.

He'd really like to hope it'd be impossible for Tobi to possess a Sharingan, yet Kakashi is the wielder of one himself… he can't really discard the hypothesis until proven otherwise.

And, if he does indeed have a Sharingan, then that leaves him with the question of where Tobi obtained it. Did he poach one from another Uchiha at some point in time? Was he… born with one? The first option is really implausible given how guarded the Sharingan was by the late Uchiha, while the second option makes absolutely no sense, although bastards do exists.

Perhaps he was an undocumented one? Or… was he recorded as Missing in Action, and just presumed dead?

Okay then, both theories totally plausible. But then that brings him to the next topic: Why is he missing an eye on his left eye socket, just like _Obito's_ was?

It could be simply a coincidence, given he could've lost it at any point in time (much like Kakashi's own eye was).

Yet… he still has to find out whether or not he has a Sharingan or anything of the sort. Guess he'll leave that task for later.

"Oh, what shall I do with You, Tobi? Hmm, such a strange name. Tobi, Tobi, Tob- Wait, what?" he asks himself in surprise.

"Tobitobito… Obito?" He asks at no one in particular, as if the stalactites would answer him.

"Could that truly be him?!"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Nah." He decides. "That water I drank after the meeting must have been spiked. Yep, that's definitely it. Why would I otherwise be talking with myself about whether or not the newest Akatsuki replacement is my long dead teammate?"

Obviously, he stops contemplating these thoughts and decides that sleeping is in order. Or at least, trying to sleep is.

 _Damn Stalagmites._


	10. Old Fic

**Originally this was going to be its own fic, but I never ended up writing it so I stuck it here for no reason. I was going to have it as Oro's backstory so I could go more in-depth with his character. Maybe one day I will return to it.**

 **Out of Sight:** Not quite out of mind, as Kohaku Hebi soon finds out when dealing with her enigmatic little cousin, Orochimaru. Especially when she has to be the one to temper his grand schemes and plots. Sometimes. If she feels like it. But still! Does no one see what she sees? OC-as-Hebi-clan-heir.

* * *

The Hebi clan, a relatively small clan that can be found towards the southern edge of Konoha. Who are we? We're the clan that specialises in snake summoning's, of course. It's all in the name. We've been summoning snakes since years and years back.

But that is of little importance to most in our clan. For me though, as the daughter of the clan head, I am entitled to the summoning contract. I have to be accepted by a snake that is old enough first, though, which means I have to be bitten.

Bitten! Must I stress that word?

It's not as weird as it sounds, though. As you can imagine, it is a sign of trust to allow a snake summon to bite you. Summoning snakes that have come of age all have a certain venom they can use called L'ink (if they decide to allow you to be a snake contractor) that creates a tattoo on your lower arm. The tattoo creates a universal link to the summoning contract held by a certain snake, so it can be summoned and in turn, signed. Afterwards, of course, the tattoo is used as a basis for snake summoning's.

Yea, our clan is a bit crazy. Fun fact: in order to become a member of the Hebi clan, the clan head, i.e. my father, needs to bite you.

If my father decides he doesn't like a person joining, he can pretend to let them join and then cripple them for life with his venom. Killing, however, isn't allowed by the second hokage.

We don't like outsiders, after all. All who are to become members of the clan have to be verified by my father. Like with the snakes, the venom L'ink is used to create a tattoo on the upper arm of the person joining. We don't have a clan crest; we are identified by our tattoo. The tattoo is irremovable, unlike the disposable crests adorning the clothes of other clans.

But, if that's a good thing or a bad thing is perhaps debatable.

Since I was born into the clan I was bitten as a baby and can't remember a thing (luckily). I never got a choice in the matter.

Anyway, where was I?

So, the Hebi clan; we're well known for producing sly, cunning ninja.

The first thing I was taught since I can remember is that everything at my disposal is a weapon; including my body (especially as a girl).

As a pure-bred member of the clan, I have inherited the slit-pupils and bright colouring of my iris; not only that, my eyes change colour depending on my mood. Lots of people find it intimidating, especially when I'm angry or excited because my eyes turn bright red, instead of the amber colour that indicates a fairly neutral mood. Apparently, this will be useful in the future for manipulating people.

What I took from that lesson: My eyes are good for scaring people.

And that brings us to my current situation;

"Kohaku-chan! Honestly, don't you want to make any friends in the academy?" Father, with his brilliant slit-pupiled orange eyes demanded, and bonked me on the head with his fist before moving to the kitchen.

"No, they're too scared of me even if I try," I sniffed. Which was true; all the other kids were scared of me. And plus, they're all ninja-wannabes, always trying to show off and compete.

But then, I guess they have to be. Only the top thirty-three percent will be accepted in a genin team at graduation; the rest will be delegated to the genin corps. And the best get to graduate early.

If they have families like mine, they'll be getting pressured to work really hard, and since I'm next in line to be clan head, well, the pressure is on…

Fact #1 about me: I don't want to be a ninja. I don't want to die early like every other idiot at the academy. But then, they know no better, because they haven't seen what I've seen, otherwise most of them wouldn't be there.

My Father doesn't know this. If he did, he'd probably disown me. The future clan head must be a ninja, after all. If only my parents had had another kid, then I wouldn't have to feel so guilty! But that's just wishful thinking…

Oh, how I wish this clan was traditional like most other clans and accepted only the sons as clan heads.

But that's me just being selfish. I like how our clan works. Well, I _would_ if I wasn't next in line.

One day, I'll get around to telling my father and deal with the consequences. Preferably when I'm old enough to take care of myself. But considering I honestly don't care about the academy and getting good marks, I don't know how long it's going to take for him to figure it out…

Fact #2: I want to be a make-up artist. I _love_ make-up, even though I'm only eight years old. It probably stemmed from when Mother introduced it to me…

My Father encouraged it, because he seemed to think it'll help me learn the 'womanly arts'. I may only be eight, but I know _exactly_ what that means. Well, as long as it keeps him buying make-up for me, it doesn't make a difference.

"Kohaku-chan? Kohaku? KOHAKU!"

I blinked and shook my head.

"Sorry Father, what was that?"

"I _said_ as punishment for frightening your class-mates you're going to baby-sit Orochimaru-kun this evening. His parents and I are all going out tonight."

I glared from my place on my allocated square cushion at the low tea table.

"You must be kidding," I replied lowly. "That kid is a _menace_. He might be all cute and cuddly when you adults are around, but if you leave him for a second with me…" I left the statement open-ended.

Father spun on his heel and returned my glare, frying pan in hand. He was making supper. My father may be a stickler for clan traditions and rules, sharp-tongued and quick to turn on you if you do not live up to his expectations, but until that happens he values every member of his clan.

But he is the worst kind of person to make angry. He's one of those people that can make your life _hell_ with barely any effort on his part, except for a few well-placed words every now and then.

Basically, the definition of idolised behaviour of a 'Hebi clan member'. Hebis, I like to call them.

"You will not talk about our clan members in that manner," he hissed.

I breathed out slowly and briefly shut my eyes before she could see how agitated this made me.

"Yes, Father," I finally said in a controlled manner.

 _I am only a child, I do not have authority yet._

Orochimaru is my cousin, and he's only three years old. I am _not_ good with children. I hate kids in general, even though I _am_ a kid.

 _But I don't feel like one._

Father placed down a bowl of miso soup in front of me and a small omelette.

"Well, I'm off. Orochimaru's parents will be expecting you in twenty minutes."

I nodded and uttered my thanks as he shunshin'd away.

He's a busy man, my father, being the clan head. He doesn't have much time for me. I'm not resentful towards him; I understand. I'm just glad he doesn't hire a babysitter anymore.

"Itadakimasu," I told the empty room.

After eating supper, I made my way out of our quaint home, sliding open the paper-thin doors.

Even though my father is clan head, it doesn't necessarily mean we are rich. And even if we were, my parents decided long ago that they would prefer not to be extravagant.

I remained in my slippers as I wandered across the gardens of the small clan compound towards the row of homes across from us.

Yes, you heard me right. Our clan compound basically consists of a courtyard-sized gardens with a pond in the middle, and surrounding it are several adjoined homes. These homes consist of the 'pureblood families'- families that still have all the traits of the Hebi clan. That being the raven-coloured hair, slit pupils and colourful irises.

Since the slit-pupils and brightly-coloured eyes are a recessive gene, the clan has been diminishing in size over the years. Marrying outside the clan, as a pureblood, is therefore frowned upon. In fact, having relations with anyone, even those in the clan that are not pureblood or that don't have Hebi blood at all is 'just as bad'.

Oh, it's only matter of protecting our heritage. After all, the war has been reducing our numbers and if we purebloods can't keep up with the losses to our main family we might lose all of our Hebi traits in the future. We are also losing power in the village, both because of our diminishing number of members, _especially_ purebloods.

Guess what that means?

I have to marry someone I am closely related to ASAP, and you can bet Father is going to want children the moment I come of age. Since there are only five pureblood families left, only two of which have children around my age, there isn't really a big pool to choose from… or rather, likely Father will be choosing for me.

Yay my life.

I crossed the mini bridge over the pond and needed only take ten more steps to reach the house of my aunt and uncle (my uncle being my father's younger brother). It was quiet around the area; considering how close the houses are and how thin the traditional paper-walls are, it's a bit of a surprise. But then, we are said to be a quiet, studious clan. The only sounds I could distinguish was the trickle of the pond and some far-off birds cawing.

Well, that is until a wail shattered the calm, coming from the door I had just arrived in front of.

"Umm, Uncle, Aunty, it's Kohaku reporting for babysitting…" I trailed off as the screaming continued for several moments, the sound of desperate scrabbling around and hushing ensuing from inside.

A moment later, my uncle appeared at the door, his grey kimono spotted with blots of ink. He looked me over quickly, eyes so similar to my father's it was rather disconcerting.

His hair set him apart, however. Where my father had long hair tied in a loose ponytail, my uncle had chin-length hair that was most definitely not as well-kept as my fathers.

I like Uncle though; he's very laid back, especially for a pureblood. Can't say the same for Aunt, though.

"Ah, Kohaku-chan, come in come in. Orochimaru was just a bit sad because he spilled ink on his new scroll…" he pushed the sliding-door all the way open and beckoned me in.

I smiled amiably and stepped inside, slipping off my sandals and putting on the guest ones. I followed Uncle into the living room, to see Aunt placating a snivelling boy holding an ink brush, a scroll stained black laid out before him.

"Aunt," I greeted and bowed slightly.

Aunt was also in a kimono, white with a thick jade-coloured obi that matched her eyes. Her long raven hair was up in a neat bun, and her skin was as pale as ever. She was beautiful, that much was certain, and it appeared Orochimaru had received most of his traits from her.

"Kohaku-chan," Aunt responded as she wiped the tears and snot from Orochimaru's face.

Orochimaru finally caught sight of me, his green orbs dark with sadness or irritation, of which I couldn't tell.

They lit up as he took me in, and a moment later he leapt from his mother's grasp.

I paled as he thundered towards me over the span of three steps, his tiny body struggling not to fall over in his haste.

 _Stupid runt!_

"Haku-san!" he cried out happily as he jumped into my arms.

 _Ugh, he knows how to pronounce my name, the little git! And Haku means 'white' or 'older brother'! I'm a girl damn you!_

"Orochimaru-kun!" I responded, tone just as happy as I caught him, my mouth twitching into a strained smile meant for Aunt and Uncle's benefit rather than Orochimaru's.

The moment his parents couldn't see his expression, his happy smile turned _devious_. It didn't take long to find out why.

Oh, I would have thrown him down the moment I saw that god-damned smile if it weren't for the fact his parents were _right there._

Which meant I had to grin and bear it as he smeared ink all over the back of my blue-green yukata with the calligraphy brush still grasped in his tiny fist.

See, the thing is, Orochimaru had already scared off my other two cousins who now refused to babysit him. I would have run away screaming too, if only my father would let me. But I have 'responsibilities' as the next heir, and therefore Father always forced me to take care of him.

There was just something _wrong_ with him, even though he was only _three years old._

His parents treated him like a little prince, even his mother seemed only capable of showering him with love and affection and in turn he was (almost) a little angel whenever they were around, apart from the occasional tantrum (as seen).

The adults don't _understand_ the pain me and my cousins have to suffer whenever we're in a 10 metre radius of him. Even when I tried to explain it once to my father, he just shrugged and told me I was exaggerating.

Please! The kid _knew_ things, and his parents didn't even know it. My cousins, who were both a couple of years older than me, didn't notice his strangeness and thought he was just a stupid baby who was extra naughty in an innocent way.

But I knew better.

The kid was scarily smart, and with a prankster streak to top it off.

"Ah, Orochimaru-kun! Don't do that, we know you like Kohaku-chan, but that's no way to show it!" my uncle quickly grabbed the brush from his hand and apologised profusely to me.

"It's all right, really, we all make _mistakes_ don't we?" I directed the comment at Orochimaru in a sweet voice, but the look I sent him showed _exactly_ how much of a mistake he had made.

He would pay later.

Orochimaru had the audacity to smile innocently up at me.

No, he would _not_ fool me with that innocent visage, nor would I melt in the face of his extremely cute baby-face, damn it!

"Say sorry, Orochimaru-kun!" Aunt ordered.

"So-wee, Haku-san, I taught that black look good on you," he said morosely, eyes filling with tears.

 _No, not the puppy-dog eyes!_

"Thought, not taught," Uncle corrected, but there were hearts in his eyes as he regarded his son with pride.

I could only stand in shock as I stared into Orochimaru's wide green eyes that glistened with tears, valiantly resisting the urge to glomp him.

 _He's evil! I will not fall for-_

Luckily, before I could react, Aunt and Uncle broke our eye-contact by talking to me and forcing me to look away.

"We'll be back in a few hours, thank-you so much for doing this for us Kohaku-chan! Remember, just treat this place like your own home. You know where to find everything!" Uncle declared, and he and Aunt left the house without further ado.

Which meant I was _alone_ with Orochimaru!

"Let's get things straight, you little snake," I began the moment they were out of hearing, "you will refer to me as 'Kohaku-sama' when we're alone, got it _Orochi?_ And you will sit in that corner like a good kid."

 _Why did Aunt and Uncle call him 'Orochimaru' anyway? Such an unoriginal and_ long _name! Plus, 'maru' doesn't suit him at all._

"Haku-chama!" he giggled, and I face-palmed as he ran off to do something that babies do.

Except he never made it because he tripped on his own feet.

 _This is going to be a_ long _few hours._


End file.
